Friday, 5 December 2008

This is why I am not JK Rowling

Why Harry Potter would be better if it were more like Star Trek

In another quadrant of space, a ship slipped steadily through the blackness. Its name, emblazoned proudly on its saucer-shaped hull, was USS Hogwarts. Its bearded captain sat patiently in his chair on the bridge, waiting for his science officer to report.

The science officer in question was staring irritably into his computer, greasy hair falling round his shoulders. He alternated this with glaring at the bespectacled ensign sitting in the helmsman's chair. The captain coughed gently.

"Commander Snape, the report?" he reminded.

At that moment the ship jerked violently from one side to another. Snape shot a look of pure venom at the helmsman.

"Ensign Potter! Twelve demerits on your permanent record for sloppy helmsmanship!" he barked.

The fresh-faced young ensign looked as though he wanted to contest this but was torn between duty and justice. Duty won. "Captain!" he cried. "There are Death Eaters on the starboard bow!"

This did not seem to faze the captain. "Death Eaters, eh? Good heavens. Put them on the screen, if you would, Lieutenant Granger."

"Yessir!" said the bushy-haired young woman sitting at the communications station, smartly.

The screen lit up to show a fleet of sleek black ships hanging in space, each one carrying the Dark Mark on its hull. The science officer winced and clutched the top of his arm, a move that did not go unnoticed by Ensign Potter, who hissed to Lieutenant Granger: " We can't trust Snape you know! He's half Death Eater! I don't understand why the captain allows him on the ship at all!"

"Now then, Harry," said the captain calmly as Harry flushed at being overheard. "It's Commander Snape to you. We've been through this before. I have a special secret reason for trusting Commander Snape implicitly and I won't hear a word said against him. He - "

"But Captain! He's trying to contact the Death Eaters and betray us! Look!"

Snape was indeed trying surreptitiously to send some kind of message from his console. Harry jumped up from his chair and ran to look over his shoulder.

"Captain Dumbledore! It says: 'The shields will be down at Stardate 2013.7 and the co-ordinates of Potter's bedroom are 369pluralQ-R. Good luck in murdering him in his bed'!"

"Oh Harry, " sighed the captain. "I'm sure it is all perfectly innocent."

Continued page 336


So here I am in the blogosphere, only about five years late. Actually I did have another one but I will never ever tell where it is.
I'm a journalist, a mum, and I live in lovely Hackney. Also I like television. So there you go.